I Am Everything Right Now

Everything is weird and frightening at the moment. And I’m feeling all of the emotions.

I’m scared. I don’t want my family or friends coming down ill. But I see the rate at which this virus spreads and it seems like it’s a forgone conclusion that they (and I) will no matter the precautions we take. And I don’t know what that will mean for those I care about.

I’m angry. While this virus has spread like crazy everywhere it has popped up, I can’t help but feel like we are at a disadvantage due to our current (lack of) leadership. Countries like South Korea seem to be ahead of this thing and in a much different situation than we are. Our healthcare workers not only have to deal with an influx of cases but also a stunning lack of equipment they need to treat patients as well as to protect themselves. People are losing their jobs which means they are losing their health insurance during a public health crisis.

I’m thankful. My family has the unique advantage of my working from home. My wife is working less (she works for a local small business) so she has been home more to help with my daughter who has been home from school. And to help with my daughter’s schooling now that that is also being done over the internet. I’m thankful we aren’t feeling an economic hit from this situation (yet) and that I work in an industry (the internet) that will likely benefit from millions of people being told to stay inside their homes. I work for a company and team that is great. I’ve had multiple folks check-in on me, not just for projects, but to see how I am doing and how the family is doing. Everyone knows this is new territory for all of us.

I’m happy. Everyone with whom I’m in regular contact is in good health. My own family is happy. We made it through the first week of social distancing without any major blow-ups. We aren’t on each others’ nerves (yet). My daughter has taught me to play Pokemon. We’ve been playing video games together. We’ve been doing schoolwork. I’ve been (mostly) keeping up at work. I haven’t lost (much) sleep due to worry or anger or anxiety or depression even though it’s all there.

I’m hopeful. I have to believe that we’ll learn something out of all of this. I have no idea what it is. Hopefully, we can walk away from this (those of us who make it) with a larger sense of community - that we realize we can do more for the people around us (whether that’s provide everyone with healthcare or just stay inside when we’re asked) - that isolation can bring us closer, not only to the people in our homes, but the people and communities that we’ve had to be isolated from - that leadership matters, in our country and our homes - that we can still come together in these extraordinary circumstances to solve complex problems.

This whole thing is incredibly difficult to get our heads around. It’s confusing, scary, anxiety-inducing, depressing, isolating. I can’t imagine what the thousands of those with the virus are going through as well as the millions of people who are dealing with difficult situations because of the economic impact of this thing.

But so far, my family and I are doing alright. I hope you and yours are as well.